I’m writing this post with a heavy heart as I’m saying goodbye to Marin mama for now and hello to Jackie. I need to rediscover who Jackie is again, and in order to do that I have to let this persona of Marin mama go for now. I chose to use this picture for the post because my friend Hilary said that this is the picture where she saw me, and saw the Jackie that she missed. She saw a glimpse of my inner self in this picture and felt guided to send me a book and a message that I needed to hear, because she missed this side of me and wanted me to have that spark back in my eyes again. More on that at the bottom of the post…
This blog has been my baby, and something that I created out of nothing at a time when I needed to create and get some passion back in my life. I started this blog as an easy and simple way to pass along my favorite recipes to friends. What it grew into was beyond my dreams. I gained confidence in my writing, learned how to take amazing photographs and I also became a much better cook. Win win, right? Well, not exactly because my life and my true identity suffered as a result.
As this blog grew, so did the pressure to maintain this image of Marin mama. Marin mama was this woman who had it all together, had the perfect husband, the perfect children and the perfect life. I was pretty much playing a role, a role that I created, and fed into as well. It was fun at the time because I got to escape and be an actress, but as time wore on, I lost sight of Jackie and who she was and what she wanted. I was too busy being Marin mama, aka, Martha Stewart and June Cleaver, wrapped in one. Martha was the image of the perfect hostess and cook, and June Cleaver was the perfect wife and mom, remember that these are actresses, not real people. I noticed as time wore on that I was getting tired and stressed. I fell into the role of having to make this gourmet dinner every night for my family, and that if I didn’t do it, then I wasn’t a good mom or wife. I put so much pressure on myself to maintain this image and identity for the blog that I was letting it control me at home, and it was creating stress for my whole family, as they were having to maintain this image as well. In time I started resenting the blog, and I started resenting myself for not being honest to who I am. In reality I lost sight of myself and I hid behind the blog instead of dealing with the issues that were breaking down in my personal life. I felt that If I stayed busy and positive enough that I wouldn’t have to deal with the problems in my life and my marriage. I could just pretend that everything was ok, and write this story to you all each week about this perfect life I was leading, and that’s not fair to me, my family or to you!
Well, to be honest, I don’t have the perfect life. I have my life. My life is good and my kids are my world, but I’m flawed like anyone else. I wake up in the middle of the night scared wondering if I’m ok, if my kids are ok, what I’m doing with my life, am I fulfilling my purpose, what exactly is my purpose? Basically, I’m trying to rediscover myself, who I am, what and who I want to be in this next phase of my life. I want to find and trust my own inner voice. I want to listen to my soul and do what brings me joy, not do what everyone else or society expects me to do. I’m tired of playing a role in life. I want to be authentic to who I am, not just for myself, but for my family.
So with all that being said, I’m letting go a few things in my life right now. I decided that one of the first things I had to let go of was this blog for now, just so I can take some time to focus on real life, not life behind a computer screen. I don’t know if this is goodbye for good, or just goodbye for now. I’m playing it day by day and not trying to think too far ahead in the future. I need to focus on my myself and my family right now. I need to get back into the reality and vitality of life again. I want to flow downstream with the river of life, which brings me joy and excitement and releases fear. I want to truly live, truly love, truly laugh and play, play like a kid again. I want to rediscover and awaken to myself, my real self, not the self that society wants me to be or that I have portrayed in the past. I need to do this for myself, for John and for my children, but mostly for me because I need to show my myself what it means to be whole, real, raw and to live life with passion and not hold yourself back. My kids will thrive from me learning this because I will help them be the best they can be for themselves, not for society.
So if you see me out and about, say hi or give me a hug, and if you ask me if all is well, I will be honest with you, and I hope that you will be honest with me. I’m ready to share with the world who I am, and I’m going to be real and raw. I wanted to share my thoughts with all of you because I know there are many of you out there that feel the same way as me. You’re tired of playing a role in life and you’re exhausted by your life. You know deep down that there is something better and more fulfilling out there for you, your true authentic self, not the self that you have played for society’s sake. The only way to see your true self is to stop running, get quiet and listen. Stop staying busy to stay busy, and stop putting off making those changes till tomorrow. Make those changes today and know that you are loved and that you are accepted. Once I broke down to my friends about how I really felt, and told them what I needed to do in order to figure myself out, I got the most support I could have ever imagined. I got hugs upon hugs and love in abundance.
I’m breaking up so many things in my life (so much more than just this blog) in order to break open. I’m breaking up the normal in order to see what’s beyond the normal. It’s SO HARD and I’m hurting so many in the process, and doing something I never thought I would ever do, but I know that this change needs to happen, it has to happen, and with this change, a new and better life will emerge, not just for me, but for those closest to me. I truly believe it and I’m guided to do this right now, even though it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m breaking up the norm in order to break open. For those of you that know me and can read into this, you know that it’s not simply the blog that I’m letting go of.
Ok, so this is goodbye for now. I want to thank you all for reading my blog and for being so supportive these past few years. YOU ALL are truly what kept me writing each week and you all kept me inspired to keep writing. I wanted to give you all a gift today, and that gift is to be honest with you. I hope that this helps some of you that are struggling with the same issues as I was, well am. I hope that for those of you that are playing a role, that you look beneath that role your playing for everyone else and look inside yourself to who you truly are, and know that person inside is the one that we all want to see out there, the real you, not the actor. Ask yourself, is this person that I’m playing or portraying really who I want to be, am I happy in life playing this role? Is it fair to my family or society to play this role? Is it fair and rewarding to me? Do I want to live the rest of my life behind this false image, or do I want to look inside and see what or who emerges? Only you can ask yourself these questions, and only you can step forward and make a change.
Also please know that you’re here to be you and to love you! By loving yourself, you will be able to love others passionately and with your whole heart. I’m also leaving you all with a link to the book that my friend Hilary was guided to send me last week. For some reason she saw this picture of me and heard guidance to send me a book, a book she knew was going to change my life dramatically, and give me the push I needed to make a change. For those of you that are struggling with yourselves and life, read this book, it’s called Broken Open. Not every chapter or word sat with me, but there were some passages and some parts that spoke to my heart and rang true to my soul, and I was ready to hear what needed to be said.
I want to say THANK YOU to my soul sisters, all of you, because there are many of you in my life, for accepting my decision and for slowly pushing me towards my decision. You never spoke up and demanded that I make some changes, but you loved me enough to give me gentle pushes along the way, and you love me enough to help me through this, because I need you and will need you, and I know in my heart that you are truly there for me. I feel blessed knowing this.
You all know how to reach me if you want to chat. My email is on my contact page. I will try to respond back when I can. My blog is still open for you all and always will be. It features all of my favorite recipes, so please continue to make them and enjoy them. I know I will be!
I also want to close by saying that this blog and the words and pictures I showed to you was not all false. I do have a great life which I’m grateful for. I do love my kids with my whole heart and I’m truly a positive and energetic person. Those things are true! I just glossed things over a bit and never told you about the hard times I was having, or the fears I was having. I just felt false having to keep up the glossy image week after week, because I really wanted to be honest with you all at times, but didn’t know how or wasn’t sure it was appropriate. Now I know better, and I’m going to work on myself to be authentic and real. Sending you all love, light and the gift of being true to yourselves and to your hearts.
So, goodbye for now…..